s15 shiz

[emps]

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[gettinglaid]

[After everything, it still didn't fix it. The eerie quiet that ripped itself a home in the back of his mind.

No lasting damage, was the final diagnosis. Thank fuck for that, honestly. Tucker isn't sure what he would've done if Church had died and broken him as a goodbye gift. No, he's just... lost. Wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes feeling that emptiness more keenly than he'll ever admit; sometimes he doesn't hear anything for a while.

Tucker's always careful those nights he wakes up, slips out of bed so he doesn't wake up Wash and moves to where he can see out. The balcony, the roof. Anywhere to look and see Chorus out there, like the reverse image of a moon. He's just sitting on the balcony tonight, listening to the resounding silence; there's probably noise, but for the life of him he doesn't hear any of it.]

[emps]

[ wash doesn't know what he would have done if tucker had suffered the same kind of damage he'd had - physically, at least. mentally, another story.

the silence feels fragile, the sound of his feet on tile floor loud as he approaches the balcony, spots tucker on it. the door is already open, and wash finds his gaze dragged to the AI implant site, so whole compared to his own. but he knows that epsilon was there, and isn't anymore.

his breathing feels loud, too, but he pads up quietly next to tucker, leaning on the balcony next to him. he doesn't say anything just at first, just sticks close enough for the warmth of tucker's body to be felt easily. ]

You've been coming out here a lot, lately.

[gettinglaid]

[He doesn't hear Wash at first, just realizes a few breaths after that there's someone with him - relaxes when he looks over and sees Wash. Then looks back.

The sound around him rushes in like a wave in the ocean, but he still missed anything he said. He hopes Wash is used to it by now at least.]

... I-... Didn't hear you.

[emps]

[ tucker's been doing that too, not hearing things at first. it can be as short as a few seconds, as long as five minutes of wash waiting quietly. wash is careful not to show too much concern at first - too much, and tucker gets defensive. seems backwards, but wash is willing to work within the bounds he knows to find out what's going on.. ]

You've been coming out here a lot, lately. [ he repeats it, no annoyance in his tone, his gaze still firmly looking out at the water. ]

[gettinglaid]

[He's sure it has something to do with the noise back at that fight, the explosions and the gunfire and the sudden loss of Church when it was over, a canyon left open. He takes a deep breath though his nose and just. Sighs it out.]

Didn't wanna wake you up.

[It's not quite like home; he never saw the stars in the canyon, night never came there. But it's big, and it's open, and it almost reminds him of the short time he had at Valhalla before they went running with Carolina. It's familiar, in its own ways.]

Looks like I fucked that up.

[emps]

[ wash wishes tucker didn't have to know how that feels - to have a head suddenly empty. but he waits. tucker sighs, speaks, and wash is quick to answer. ]

Woke up on my own. Guess my body was done sleeping.

[ its... a lie. he wakes up with the loss of tuckers warmth and his body remembering being alone, paranoia a muscle memory he doesn't think he'll ever shake. ]

[gettinglaid]

[Tucker glances sidelong at him, not looking like he'll answer or if he even heard but-]

You're a shitty liar, dude. [The corner of his lip turns up for a little smirk and he looks back out.]

's just quiet up here. [It's quiet and wide open. Not closed in, not filled with people shooting and shouting and bleeding - Tucker shakes his head, rubs at his face with a trembling breath. He's Fine.] Like being up here.

[emps]

[ wash can only give a small smile back, along with a tiny shrug. no sense defending the lie he's been caught in. ]

It's harder to sleep alone.

[ that said, he watches tucker breathe out shakily. he wants to ask - what happened? what did you see? what don't you hear?

the words don't come, choked on concern and indecision. finally, wash reaches out, his hand brushing tuckers back. ]

Yeah. [ he looks up at the sky, at chorus. ] Sometimes, it helps to come up here and just... not think. Do you mind if I join you?

[gettinglaid]

[Got you spoiled is what he doesn't say. He gets it, that confort having someone you trust next to you. His back arches into the touch. Tucker at least snagged a pair of boxers on the way; he isn't Donut.

The request gets a shrug. ] Wouldn't say no. It's your apartment.

[emps]

[ just a little spoiled. tucker arches into the contact and wash shifts, their shoulders bumping as he flattens his hand against tucker's back. ]

Not just my apartment anymore. [ at least, if tucker wants. is that too much to broach? wash is quiet after he speaks. ]

[gettinglaid]

[Tucker gives him another sidelong glance, more thoughtful this time. A breath before he leans into him.]

You sure? I could fill thks place up with a lot of stuff I'm having mail ordered.

[Retirement and you think Tucker won't rebuild his toy and lube collection?]

[emps]

[ tucker leans into him and wash doesn't hide the little smile on his lips. ]

Not like I have a lot to fill the place with either.

[ sad but true. ]

[gettinglaid]

[Yeah, the smile he was starting to get goes a little sideways.] Yeah, well. Maybe if the ship hadn't crashed.

[There's been so many what ifs going around his head lately. All the things they could've done differently.]

Pretty sure we could fill it up together. If you wanted to.

[emps]

[ they would have had to know that charon was crashing ships on chorus, though, and to not get on the ship with all the freelancer equipment.

wash gives a gentle sigh. ]

I didn't have that much on the ship, either. I was in prison before I was part of Blue Team, remember?

[ and that... tidbit brought back up, wash moves on. ]

I want to.

[gettinglaid]

[It's just the two of them. It's god knows what hour in the morning and no one else is awake. It should be fine. Tucker breathes in slow and leans his weight against Wash. Only because Wash is taller. That's all.

But how quiet and almost trembling his voice is probably gives him away.] Then let's do it.

[emps]

[ wash notices a lot about tucker. how quiet he is in general, but also specifically now. his palm presses in tight against the small of tucker's back, and he leans his head down a little to rest on top of tucker's. ]

Okay.

[ his voice is quiet. there's not much to say, aside from knowing he'll have to tune tucker's key card to open his door as well. this is just as much tucker's space as his own. ]

[gettinglaid]

[It's quiet; not the same kind of quiet he came out with, but a softer kind. It's easier. He watches Chorus above them, then takes in a slow breath.]

...Back in Freelancer, you were in a lot of fights. Right?

[emps]

We were in a few, yeah.

[ wash wonders where tucker is going with this - doesn't ask, waiting. ]

[gettinglaid]

[Tucker's making the effort to keep his eyes carefully trained forward, not at Wash, keep his ears working.]

... How'd you handle the aftermath?

[emps]

[ wash can see that tucker is trying to focus, trying to listen. it's a heavy question he asks, though. how did wash handle the aftermath?

he takes a breath, lets it out slowly. ]

At first, I didn't handle them well. Just tried not to think about it. Not something I recommend doing, by the way.

[ so wry. ]

I tried... talking to the other Freelancers, but no one ever really wanted to talk about it. Even North didn't seem to get it. So ... I would run. I'd run on the treadmills until I couldn't think anymore and then I'd try to sleep.

[ there's quiet after that, though. wash isn't sure he ever really found something that worked for him. ]

[gettinglaid]

[Tucker listens. It's the most honest conversation they've had in a while, and he thought maybe Wash would have some better answers than what he had.

Turns out they had the same answers. Not so different, really.]

Yeah, running's still not really my thing.

[So the other option is to Talk about it.]

[emps]

It wasn't always running. Physical activity just made it easier not to think about it.

[ ... he isn't advocating sex, by the way, but wash will admit he tried that too. for now he just keeps leaning against tucker. ]

I'm here, okay.

[ for talking, when he finally felt like it, or anything else he needed. ]

[gettinglaid]

[He's pretty sure he gets what Wash is putting down. And any other time, he'd joke about it. But now just... doesn't feel like the time. And it wasn't until Chorus that Tucker started noticing those social cues. He really has changed.

He takes in a deep breath, cross his arms over the railing and lowers his head so it's level with his shoulders.]

I don't... Really do the talking thing much either.

[emps]

You don't have to do it well.

[ wash lets him fold himself forward, his hand still resting against tucker's spine, watching the curve of his shoulders, the almost defeated slump. ]

Or anytime soon. But I'm here, and I'll listen. Even if it's just to tell me how much it sucks.

[gettinglaid]

[There it goes, the deafening silence at the end of Wash's "much--". He thinks he's gotten a little better at not making it obvious when it happens, but even he can't do anything about the way his shoulders tense, just a hair, so he can look at Wash's mouth out the corner of his eye. Just to make sure he isn't still talking.

How much what?

Fuck. Maybe if he just. Stays quiet. Or maybe this is the way to do it. When he can't hear any response.]

...Be easier if I didn't still dream it. Just... All the noise and-- Then the nothing. [he's trying at least.]